Like a cranky old man who spends most of his time yelling at the TV in his underwear, a lot of stuff sticks in Donald Trump’s craw. Nonwhite Americans, for one. The English language, for another, which is ironic given that his 2016 campaign took the stereotype of a racist who berates people for speaking Spanish on U.S. soil and made it an official policy. Most of all, though, Trump hates liberals and the outrageous ideas they espouse, like universal health care and preventing the planet from burning to the ground. And that got Trump—or, more likely, some troll on his reelection campaign—thinking:

President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign is selling a 10-pack bundle of branded plastic straws for $15. Why is the Trump campaign selling straws with the word “TRUMP” on them? Simple. Because “liberal paper straws don’t work,” according to the store for Trump’s reelection campaign.

Yes, as many have pointed out, $1.50 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a single straw, but you can’t put a price on sticking it to the libs by sucking down on some good, old-fashioned, not-actually-recyclable-despite-claims-to-the-contrary plastic bearing dear leader’s name. According to campaign manager Brad Parscale, the merchandise has been so popular it’s raised $210,000. That’s enough money to fund 1.5 hush-money deals with a porn star, should the need arise.

Presumably, inspired by the success of the plastic-straw initiative, the campaign will roll out similarly themed merchandising opportunities in short order, starting with Trump-branded hairspray containing the ozone-killing chemical banned in 1987, and some kind of Adopt-a-Landfill program, where instead of beautifying the plot, you’re responsible for continually filling it with waste. And if you’ve got real money to spend, for a donation of $100,000, Don Jr. will murder an endangered animal of your choosing! Sky’s the limit!

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Elizabeth Warren warns of imminent economic apocalypse

Back in 2003, Elizabeth Warren predicted that subprime mortgages would cause an economic crash which, spoiler alert, actually did happen. Eleven years later, as Donald Trump bleats daily about the “GREATEST ECONOMY EVER,” the Democratic candidate has an equally chilling message that she hopes someone will actually listen to: another meltdown is just around the corner.

“Warning lights are flashing. Whether it’s this year or next year, the odds of another economic downturn are high—and growing,” Warren (D-Mass.) wrote in a Medium post entitled “The Coming Economic Crash—And How to Stop It.”

“I see a manufacturing sector in recession. I see a precarious economy that is built on debt—both household debt and corporate debt—and that is vulnerable to shocks. And I see a number of serious shocks on the horizon that could cause our economy’s shaky foundation to crumble,” she wrote.

Instead of housing and mortgages, Warren pointed to leveraged corporate loans—lending to companies with high levels of debt—as a potential area of systemic risk. “These high-risk loans now make up a quarter of all American business loans, and they look a lot like the pre-2008 subprime mortgages: poorly underwritten loans with minimal protections that are then packaged and sold to investors,” she wrote. These loans have increased during the Trump administration as federal regulators have relaxed 2013 guidance that tightened lending standards.

Luckily, and unsurprisingly, Warren is armed not just with predictions of an economic armageddon but how to stop it. That plan includes reducing household debt, reducing leveraged corporate lending, strengthening manufacturing through investment, and limiting possible shocks to the economy by, for instance, not pushing for a no-Brexit deal or engaging in trade war by tweet. Of course, that plan is contingent on voters sending Trump back from whence he came in 2020, but you probably could have guessed that.

Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend wants us to believe he actually wrote his own book

To be fair, we do believe that the president’s eldest son was the one who came up with the art direction for the cover, which is apparently trying to clinch that coveted constipated demographic.

Elsewhere!

Betsy DeVos and family see profits soar after Trump tax reform bill, deregulation efforts (CNBC)

Equifax to pay up to $700M in data breach settlement (Associated Press)

But proving you deserve $20,000 from the Equifax settlement will be nearly impossible CNBC)

Trump backs two-year budget deal that boosts spending, suspends debt limit (Washington Post)

How Jeffrey Epstein Worked Wall Street (Hive)

Jeffrey Epstein’s Deep Ties to Wall Street Figures (NYT)

Warren Buffett’s Charity Lunch With Crypto Investor Justin Sun Is Postponed (Bloomberg)

American crocodiles thriving outside nuclear plant (ABC News)

— How Paul Manafort tricked Donald Trump into making Mike Pence his V.P.

— How Trump kept tabs on Jeffrey Epstein

— Inside John F. Kennedy Jr.’s lifelong struggle

— From the Archive: Christopher Hitchens takes down Mother Teresa

— Matt Lauer, the Trumps, and a Very Page Six Summer in the Hamptons

— The prestige-TV drama roiling HBO

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