Los Angeles is designed to easily telegraph wealth and power, from the car you drive to what zip code you rattle off to the poor sap delivering your juice cleanse. Thankfully, this handy guide will let you know where you rank in Hollywood’s power structure the next time you find yourself doing the rounds at a movie studio.

Never. You’re J.J. Abrams. Studio execs know better than to reschedule with “anyone who can help you,” says the insider. “Hollywood is all about leverage. People who can help the studio”—like hit-maker Abrams—“always take precedence over, ‘Who am I helping?’”—like screenwriters pitching their ideas.

Once. There’s always someone more important. Or as one exec put it, maybe “your hairstylist called with a last minute cancellation.”

Twice. You have a long way to go, baby.

Three times or more. Never quit your day job. “You’re not supposed to bump someone more than three times; that’s the rule,” a Hollywood insider tells Vanity Fair.

Yes, studio gates tell you how you rank. Crew/worker drones pass through one gate while the elite cruise through an exclusive one.

“Fox’s lot, for example, has the Galaxy Gate,” the insider says. “A-Listers get assigned spots closer to the gate. We’re talking about the difference of 45 seconds of walking, tops. That’s a status—you know how you’re thought of [from] the parking spot. They’re interested in you if you get [a good] spot.”

Meanwhile, says Despicable Me screenwriter Cinco Paul—whose movies have earned more than $1.5 billion at the box office—“At Universal, Gate 1 means you’re actually driving into [the] lot . . . and you get the parking spot by the bungalow.”

A few miles from the studios, another status indicator comes with a stamp of approval: whether über-agency CAA validates your parking. “Some clients and visitors get validated,” explains the insider. “Some don’t.”

A drive-on is a pass at the security gate that allows you to drive onto a studio backlot. (If you don’t know that, you must still be in film school). On a first-name basis with the lot security guard? You have a green-lit project with the studio. Have a “walk-on”? You’re a background extra or a liar, because there is no such thing as a “walk-on.”

Parking is perhaps the most significant indicator of your standing when visiting a lot. If you’re meeting with, say, Clint Eastwood at his Malpaso Productions on the Warner Bros. lot, you’ll pull up to a valet who will whisk your car away to a shady parking spot nestled between a Porsche and a Tesla. If you’re meeting with someone at a production office on the lot’s derided Motel 6 building (due to its dismal resemblance the chain hotel), you’ll self-park in a sun-blasted lot.

“Most studios have two tiers—a place where VIPs get to park, and [a place for] everybody else,” the insider says. “I’ve been on both sides. I tend not to take it seriously, but some people get very upset about it. It’s almost like getting the right table at a restaurant; parking spots are the exact same situation.”

“If you’re in the parking structure, you do not rank high on the pecking order,” says Paul. “At the Fox lot, there’s a parking structure that felt like it was a mile away from the building where we were doing our meetings. I remember the frustration of seeing parking spots in front of the building where we were going and thinking, ‘Who gets to use them?’ Because clearly as screenwriters, we weren’t worthy. One time, the director of Horton [Hears a Who] was parked in the sweet spot. There was that clear feeling of ‘Okay, I guess we know where we rank. We’re in the structure.’

“That happened to us for a while at Universal. We used to be in the structure, and then there was a point where from now on we park right in front of the bungalow when we go for our meetings. Probably after Despicable Me made all that money and became a big success—that changes everything. Suddenly there’s this moment of ‘Oh, wait a minute. I think we actually may be parking right in front of the bungalow.’”

Bottom of the totem pole: Long enough to read an entire issue of Variety dedicated to reality TV.

Future Player: Long enough to flip through a Hollywood Reporter.

A-List: Just long enough to scan two Deadline Hollywood headlines on your iPhone.

“If somebody is important in your mind, someone you need to treat more respectfully than others, then you’ll make sure that person isn’t waiting long,” says the insider.

“Generally, L.A. on-time is 15 minutes late. That’s when the clock really starts ticking. Anything that’s 15 to 20 minutes after that is over the top.”

Paul, though, doesn’t quite agree: “Early in my career I thought it was a rule that no one would see me earlier than 20 minutes after my appointed time. No one ever saw me on time; it felt like it was a demonstration of their power.

“Now [I’m] not kept waiting,” says Paul lightly. And if you’re even kept waiting a little bit, there’s massive apologies. That has totally changed.”

When someone doesn’t show to a meeting, the excuse is often that they’re “putting out a fire” somewhere else. Suddenly, it’s just you and the lower-level people.

“More is generally better, because then there’s some sort of hierarchy,” says Paul. “This person is high up enough that they have someone there to take notes.”

Coffee or tea in an actual cup: You’re in the exec suite; enjoy.

Bottled water: The industry standard. Always offered cold or at the persnickety and preferred “room-temperature.”

Water in a glass: The production company will try and pass this off as environmentally friendly, but it’s actually because they’re broke.

“Some execs will make their offices show pieces to impress people,” the insider says. “The thought I usually have is, ‘A-ha, they are trying to impress me.’” Does it work? “No,” he confirms. “You don’t want to see the effort.”

“You’re hoping it’s not a general meeting, because there’s nothing to talk about,” says Paul. “You’re not meeting with anyone important. It gets so formulaic; it’s the same bottle of water, the same conversation, with the same powerless development junior exec. But someone has to fill their day with something.”

You’ll know you’re really something, though, if there’s a specific agenda: “The next level is meeting about a specific project.”

There’s always a follow-up after a meeting—and it’s always on the phone, as the Hollywood insider put it, “especially now after the Sony hacks.”

“You have a sense of what goes on in a room,” he continues. “A ‘yes’ is a phone call. Usually, no answer is a ‘no.’ It’s rare that you hear a concrete no.”

“Studio execs can smell desperation just like animals,” Paul elaborates. “They’re like predators; they can smell fear.”

“Business Affairs” – The studio’s money men or women—and the words every Hollywood player wants to hear, as in: “I’m going to have Business Affairs call your agent.”

“Doing the Rounds” – A phrase that means taking meetings with every studio and production company.

“A Fan” – What a studio exec will say if they like the person they are meeting with. An agent will say, for example: “You’re meeting with Universal co-chair Donna Langley. She’s a fan.”

“Good in a Room” – Applies mainly to writers; it means you give good meeting. A huge compliment for scribes who tend to live up to the stereotype that they’re anti-social nerds.

“Leave Word” - What assistants do instead of leaving a message.

“Returning For” - Someone important is calling you back, i.e., “I have Angelina Jolie returning for Brad Pitt.”

“The Town” – What industry types call Los Angeles, even though it’s a 503-mile sprawl.

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