Shroomageddon

It’s Time to Reclaim the Mushroom

Please confirm that you are at least 18 years old, and not a mushroom, before reading this article.
Image may contain Plant Amanita Mushroom Agaric and Fungus
Photo from Getty Images.

Mushrooms are ruined. Toadstools, the word for mushroom used in fairy tales and Nintendo games, are ruined as well. Stormy Daniels, the adult entertainer who’s tussled legally with the president over an N.D.A. and alleged affair, compared the president’s modesty to them in her new book (out October 2). In an excerpt of Full Disclosure obtained by The Guardian and published Tuesday, Daniels wrote that Trump “has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool.” She added, “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart . . . It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

It is not exactly Daniels’s fault that mushrooms are ruined. It’s not her fault we can’t have them in salads or replace our steaks with them on Meatless Mondays from this day forward. We can’t blame her now that we have to choose to be—I don’t know—Bowser in Mario Kart. It’s Trump’s fault for allegedly straying from his wife with an adult entertainer who has a vivid grasp of simile, then allegedly bullying her into signing an N.D.A. for money, and then running for president! It’s Trump’s fault that mushrooms are ruined forever.

Seems like someone shouldn’t let him do that! Now, just a few hours after this information escaped Pandora’s box, we should reclaim mushrooms. Mushrooms are great! No president should take that away from the public. The message from Big Mushroom is clear and unified: ’shrooms come in all shapes and sizes, and never, ever, ever are they the shape of any president’s genitalia! Don’t know what “Stormy” is talking about, if that’s even her real name. Every time you see a mushroom from now on, think “fungus,” not “phallus.” Actual Big Mushroom, the Mushroom Council, has not yet responded for comment. Probably too busy celebrating National Mushroom Month, which is September.

X content

This content can also be viewed on the site it originates from.

You might be wondering a few things right now, like, “Is that even possible to forget what we know, or are we too far gone into this hellacious hellscape?” And: “So that’s what Phantom Thread was about.” And: “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you actually a mushroom?” The answer is yes to all of the above! Now if we could only get Big Kart on board:

X content

This content can also be viewed on the site it originates from.

They seem to be taking this too well.