Down The Drain

Donald Trump Forces America to Ponder His Toilet Habits

The only thing we have to fear is 15 flushes.
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By Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

Donald Trump, the President of the United States, spoke passionately yesterday about toilets.

“People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times as opposed to once,” he said from the Roosevelt Room of the White House, to reporters with cameras, in front of other members of the government. Our nation's discourse very quickly went to pot.

There is, perhaps surprisingly, a degree of context. Trump was railing, in a typically “it ain't what it used to be!” way, about environmentally-minded regulations, citing energy-efficient light bulbs and modern plumbing. While oversight of household infrastructure is indeed an important topic, it's simply flabbergasting the way Trump dropped his rhetorical style into the bowl.

While the last thing any of us ever want to do is dwell upon the bathroom habits of our Commander in Chief, one simply must ask what the hell is going on inside this man's digestive tract or his mind to suggest that there are people flushing toilets “10 times, 15 times” in areas where water “rushes out to sea because you could never handle it.”

In the video, which you should only watch with someone else in the room so you can confirm “are you seeing what I'm seeing?” Trump's voice nearly cracks when describing the toil of “washing your hands” with one of these newfangled, pusillanimous streams. One is reminded perhaps of Leonardo DiCaprio's heartbreaking performance as Howard Hughes during the tragic ending of The Aviator.

For more context about the President's privy habits, Travel Channel offers a tour of the “5-Star” facilities found at Trump Tower that shows off $2 million alabaster walls purchased from Russia and a toilet that “knows” if you need to urinate or “do something more.”