Like many Americans, Stephen Colbert is marveling at the sheer number of executive orders Donald Trump signed during his first week in office. “He’s got to be done, right?” Colbert wondered on The Late Show Tuesday night. “There can’t be any more of these executive orders.” And then, something gloriously unexpected—O.K., a little expected—happened: Jon Stewart_ showed up to do some fiery, old-Daily Show-esque anti-Trump comedy. And he did it in perfect Trump drag, too: ”I thought this is how men dress now,” Colbert’s longtime friend deadpanned about his outré outfit. ”The president sets men’s fashion. And this is...I saw the inauguration: super-long tie, dead animal on head. Boom.”
Before long, Stewart got to the real business at hand: reading a fictitious set of executive orders yet to come from the president. And though his jokes started off relatively benign (Trump will, according to Stewart, ask China to donate the Great Wall to separate the United States from Mexico), things heated up when Stewart read a supposed resolution to unite Trump’s constituency under one language.
“I, Donald J. Trump, have instructed my staff to speak only in bullshit,” declared Stewart, in the guise of the president. ”Bullshit, all the time. Immersion. It’s the only way to be fluent.”
And then came the real kicker—a closing monologue worthy of Stewart’s legacy as the foremost voice for liberal outrage. It’s worth reading in full:
“I, Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting. It has been 11 days, Stephen. 11 fucking days. 11! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.
“And the reason that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse power. I want—I Donald J. Trump—want—no, deserve—not just your respect but your adoration. Parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing. And why can’t they train 10,000 doves to spell out Trump in the clouds? How hard can it be? They’re already flying!
“I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine, with the lighting coming out of the fingertips, and the ‘fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.’”
We have never faced this before: purposeful vindictive chaos. But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of my, Donald J. Trump’s, presidency. No one action will be adequate. All action will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight, and somehow come through this presidency calamity-less, and constitutionally, partially intact, then I Donald J. Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of America. Just not the way I thought I was gonna.
And with that, there’s only one thing left to say: how long do we have to wait before Stewart finally returns to TV on a more regular basis?
