Bella Ramsey had been in denial for some time when it came to the ending of The Last of Us—mainly, that it was ending at all. For a production that took nearly a year, that began when she was 17 years old (she’s now 19) and took her to places both as an actor and a person she’d never considered, the idea that it could all come to even a pause felt beyond her grasp. “You basically create a whole new, separate life,” she tells Vanity Fair over Zoom from her UK home. “After it had finished, I was still in denial. I was like, ‘It’s fine. I’ll just be back there next week.’ And obviously that next week never came.”

Now the second part of her Last of Us journey—that of the HBO megahit’s weekly rollout to millions of viewers—has finished too, with Sunday night’s explosive finale. The episode roughly follows the events of the postapocalyptic game on which the series, created by Emmy winner Craig Mazin and the game’s Neil Druckmann, is based: Joel (Pedro Pascal) realizes that his surrogate daughter, Ellie (Ramsey), would need to be killed in order to save humanity. So he kills everyone in her path, saving her from that fate without giving her a choice, then hides the truth from her—setting up a second season in which Ellie is very much in the dark, and Joel’s lies will soon catch up with him.  

For Ramsey, just watching the show has been an emotional experience. Over the past few months, her profile has skyrocketed, even given her Game of Thrones bona fides; she’s been public about identifying as nonbinary (she uses she/they pronouns), wearing chest binders on the Last of Us set, and speaking out against homophobic trolls who’ve lamented Ellie’s queerness in the series. So, we had a lot to get into—starting, of course, with Ramsey’s thoughts on that ending.

Vanity Fair: The finale is quite similar to the game. I know you have some familiarity, but when you got the script, what was your reaction? 

Bella Ramsey: Even though I knew what was coming, because I’d seen a bit of gameplay, I got so attached—I feel so much tension reading it. Just the fact that it ends on Ellie saying, “Okay”—on that trust. It’s a lot.

The dynamic between your characters is fundamentally changed going into season two. What’s your feeling on that, especially sitting on it for a while before you start production?  

I’m glad that we get the chance to do it. Even at the end of the episode, Ellie forces herself to believe Joel, but knows deep down inside that he’s not telling the truth. When she finds out that he lied to her, that shift is going to be super interesting.

What did it feel like to actually finish? You guys shot for almost a year. Was it like the end of a marathon?

Yeah, it definitely was. You basically create a whole new, separate life. You’re living in a place for a year with the same people, so it was weird. I was completely in denial that it was going to finish. Then, when I got back home, I was still in denial. I was like, “It’s fine. I’ll just be back there next week.” And obviously that next week never came. It was really hard. I found it really difficult.

Did the denial wear off at all on the last day? 

On the very last take of the day of the last scene. I wished that they planned it so that it could be an emotional scene on the last day, just to make it so much easier for everybody. Instead I was forcing myself not to cry, walking down a cul-de-sac in the middle of the night, having a humorous conversation. I remember lying on the floor. Well, Pedro was lying on the floor that last day to help his back or something, and I went and lied down next to him. We just were next to each other for the last time.

And that was it? That’s not from the finale, right?

Yeah, it was a random scene of the Henry and Sam episode—the fifth episode. A random little segue into this cul-de-sac sequence that we missed because someone got COVID, so we just had to pick it up at the very end. It was strange to end on that. Craig did a speech. I got some pictures, and then it was over.

Do you have any sense of when you’re going to gear up for season two?

It’ll probably be the end of this year, or the beginning of next year. Craig has to write all the episodes. Obviously, there’s more people to cast. It’s a little while away, but I’m sure it’ll come around very fast. I’m nervous that I’m just not getting [the practice]. I’m like, “What if I just can’t do it? What if I can’t be Ellie again?” I think I’ll be nervous about it, and then I’ll step onto set the first day and it’ll be totally fine. I try not to think about it too much.

It will be good for me to remember that there is a world outside of The Last of Us, although I would just exist in the Last of Us world forever if I could.

You’ve experienced most of the rollout of the show from home, in the UK, and have definitely engaged on social media. Did that help with the letting go? 

I’ve just been at home and it’s been—it’s weird. It feels like this thing that’s so much a part of my life, and, at the same time, it feels so separate and distant now because everyone’s accessing it. It’s not just this personal thing anymore. The show is now being shared with the world, and everyone’s getting to experience it and experience the same love for it that we have. That’s really special. 

Whenever I’m making a show, I always forget that it’s going to end up on the screen. It is slightly strange that the world sees it before I do sometimes. Because I haven’t worked on anything else properly since we wrapped the show, it’s still very much the only thing that I’m thinking about in terms of work. It is very much at the forefront of my mind.

Any project of this scope will have some small corner of a toxic fandom. I know you’ve talked about encountering that a little bit. Have you learned how to navigate the less productive, let’s say, reactions to some parts of the show?

Definitely. I feel like I was hit with most of that when I first got announced as Ellie. That’s when it was the most [intense], and I’d never really experienced any negative reaction before. It was present the whole way through, but it died down after the initial outcry. Now [that] the show has come out. I’ve stopped looking for the negative things. That’s what’s changed—I’ve stopped looking. 

I made this oath with Craig Mazin that we wouldn’t look at the bad stuff. If I’m scrolling and I see something bad, I won’t scroll. I’ll just be like, “Scroll past. I don’t need to digest that. You don’t have to hate on yourself, Bella.” I’ve learned to manage it just by not engaging with it.

We’re speaking after the airing of episode seven, and you haven’t seen it, right? You tweeted that you slept through it. It’s a really beautiful exploration of Ellie’s sexuality and this connection she forms. I wonder if you were preparing to drown out some of the inevitable homophobia. 

Going into that episode, I wasn’t even thinking of the homophobic trolls, to be honest. I didn’t register. In my personal life, gay storylines and gay people existing is so normal to me now that it blows my mind still when I’m on Twitter and I accidentally come across a homophobic tweet. I’m like, “Wow, homophobia still exists in this modern world.” It’s so bizarre to me that people can still keep those views. I find it actually quite fascinating. 

One thing that’s really special about the show overall is exactly what you’re saying: that a show of this enormous scope, enormous popularity has a lot of queer elements integrated in a way that’s very normalized. It’s just who the characters are. As someone who’s grown up as an actor, does that feel encouraging? 

I was just talking to someone about this yesterday. I know that there are diversity checkboxes and stuff, but the aim is for those to not have to even exist in the future. The aim is for it just to be an automatic response: Why wouldn’t we include these people? 

There’s also the other side of that, which is some of the personal exposure that goes with that. You’ve been pretty open about your own identity and experiences of self-discovery. How have you found navigating that as people have started to listen to what you have to say about yourself?

It’s been exciting in a way, but it’s anxiety-inducing as well. How visible do I want to be? I want to still protect my privacy and my personal life, but I also want to be authentic. I want people to know me. Because I don’t want to be presenting a version of myself to the world that isn’t real because I just don’t think I could do that anyway. 

It’s like what we were saying with Ellie: Nothing has to be announced. Ellie’s just existing and living, and I think it’s been really nice that I’ve been able to do that. People are picking up on who I am without me even having to announce it or announce anything, and I think I’ve really enjoyed that.

How have you experienced some of the feedback? I mean, mentioning being on Twitter and things like that, it’s hard to avoid.

It’s been very validating. I wish I could say that I gained no validation from nice comments on Twitter and people being supportive, but it is a very validating thing to have people like you. To have people that you don’t know all across the world cheering you on—it’s cool. But I’m also trying to balance that with that not being my primary source of validation. How much do I take in, how much do I look at the reaction, and how much do I just enjoy it for myself? Some days I’m better at it than others.

How did you feel as an actor coming off of the first season? I’d imagine it’s an experience that would really impact you as a performer.

It’s true, you learn a lot of stuff about yourself as an actor, but also as a person. You grow. I’m 19 now, and I was 17 when I started the show. I turned 18 over that year. So much happens when you are still a teenager. You grow so much. But the process of growing as an actor is something that I don’t notice is happening until I go back and watch work that I did two years ago. I’m like, “Wow, that was awful.” Which is good, that I have that response, because that means that I am improving, I guess. 

But the idea of getting better as an actor is such a weird concept to me because I have no idea what I’m doing when I’m acting—so I have no idea how to consciously improve. I’m completely in the dark, and I’m hoping that I’m not getting worse. Maybe I’m just tapping into self-loathing or I’m getting better as an actor. I’m getting more critical. I don’t know. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore. [Laughs]

Do you dislike watching yourself generally, or is it something you’re getting over a little bit?

What I do mind is watching myself and then realizing that everyone else is seeing it, too. That’s when it’s weird. I liken it to looking back at your Instagram posts and captions when you’re 18. You’re not that person anymore. You’re not posting inspirational quotes anymore. 

Have you gone back to watch any of your Game of Thrones episodes, or can you not watch them now?

I can’t do it anymore. Sometimes my mom will just pull it up and watch it and I’m like, “Stop it. Cut it out.” Yeah. No, that’s not fun. I used to be a lot worse with it. I really used to not be able to stand it. But now I think enough time has passed. That was eight years ago now for me. I feel like I’m officially entering middle age.

In actor years, maybe.

Right, yeah. [Laughs]

The finale will have aired by the time this story is live, but: Do you have a finale watch plan?

I was potentially going to be in America. I was going to be in LA and watch it with Craig and Neil and Pedro again. But I’ve decided to not go, to cancel my trip to the States, because I just was getting overwhelmed with a lot of press and events. I decided I’m just going to stay at home. But it’s going to be sad. Maybe I’ll stay up until 2:00 in the morning and FaceTime them. We can watch it together like that. That would be nice.

This interview has been edited and condensed.