As he kicked off The Late Show on Monday, Stephen Colbert asked his audience members how their weekends had gone—but before they could answer, he assured them, “None of us had as good a weekend as John Kelly.” That’s because news broke that Kelly is soon leaving his post as White House chief of staff: Donald Trump told reporters on Saturday that Kelly would resign by the end of the year. Colbert’s parting words to Kelly? “I just want to say: sir, congratulations on a job, well, done.”
“On the bright side,” he added, “I think we found the next host of the Oscars!”
Unfortunately for the president, the search for a replacement is not going great. Nick Ayers, who serves as Mike Pence’s chief of staff, was reportedly Trump’s top pick—but he has already announced that he’ll be leaving the White House himself by the end of the year. That leaves the president’s options murky at best. As Colbert put it, “It’s like Trump’s trying to give his rose away at The Bachelor. ‘I hold in my hands the final rose. And I would be so honored if you, Stephanie, would—no? O.K. Uh, Chloe? Chloe, I have always felt that you and—O.K., great. Got it. All right. Moving on. Anybody want this thing?‘“
After a couple of minutes, all of Colbert’s ribbing reached its natural conclusion: the comedian volunteered for the gig himself. (Hey, he has political experience; he’s already run for president.)
“I’d like to take this opportunity to officially throw my hat in the ring,” Colbert said. “Mr. President, I, Stephen Colbert, am your next White House chief of staff. Now, will I be able to control the president? No. Will we fight? Yeah. But will I bring a steady hand to a tumultuous West Wing? Also no—but no one could. Who cares? And no, I don’t agree with the president’s policies. And no, this won’t help the country. But I believe in my heart of hearts that this could be fun for me.”
“Who would pass up the chance to spend 10 minutes on the deck of the Titanic while it’s sinking?” Colbert continued. “I don’t know, I’m really curious to hear what a band sounds like when they know they’re about to take the big bath.” Given how long these two have been publicly sparring, though, it seems unlikely Trump will take the bait.
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